Birth
[348] A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to
give birth. There the doctor revealed that he had
developed an experimental machine which could take some
of the pain of childbirth from the mother and give it to
the father instead. He asked the couple whether they
were interested in giving it a try, and they agreed.
Since the machine was largely untested, the doctor
thought it wise to start at the lowest setting. He
strapped the man down, switched on the machine and asked
him whether he could feel any pain.
"No, I feel fine."
So the doctor turned the machine to a slightly higher
setting. Again the man reported feeling no discomfort.
And all the while the wife was going through painfree
childbirth.
Greatly encouraged, the doctor turned the machine to its
highest setting. Still the man felt no pain. "This is
truly amazing," said the doctor excitedly. "A veritable
breakthrough in childbirth."
After his wife had given birth, the husband climbed off
the machine and calmly drove home. There he found the
mailman dead on the doorstep.
[349] Having a baby is like taking your lower lips and
forcing them over your head.
[CAROL BURNETT]
[350] A woman was lying in hospital, giving birth. After
half an hour of pushing, panting and sweating, the
baby's head suddenly popped out. The baby took one look
at the doctor and asked: "Are you my daddy?"
"No, I'm not," replied the doctor, startled. And the
baby popped back into the womb.
The obstetrician was called to look into this unusual
occurrence. No sooner had he arrived than the baby's
head popped out again.
"Are you my daddy?" asked the baby.
"No, I'm not," answered the obstetrician.
The obstetrician decided to fetch the boy's father. "The
baby seems reluctant to come out," said the worried
medic. "He keeps asking for his father, so would you
please come to the delivery room?"
The father entered the delivery room and the baby's head
popped out again.
"Are you my daddy?" asked the baby.
The father knelt down and answered proudly: "Yes, son,
I'm your father."
The baby immediately began tapping his index finger
violently and repeatedly on
his father's forehead and said: "This is pretty damned
annoying, isn't it?"
[351] I had a Jewish delivery. They knock you out with
the first pain and wake you
up when the hairdresser shows. [JOAN RIVERS]
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